I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but NYC is not as magical as Woody Allen makes it look. I’m a transplant from Wisconsin, and had no idea what I got myself into when I came to NYC. I moved the week after my college graduation, having visited the city on a family vacation years prior. All I knew was that I wanted to work in TV, I lived in LA for 2 months the summer before and hated it, and NYC was really the only other option.

When I first got here, I had no idea where to go or what to do, so, like many other city newbies, I spent my free afternoons in Times Square avoiding people trying to sell me tickets to comedy shows (okay I bought 2 tickets ONE TIME!). Or was I the only one who did that? Wait, don’t tell me. Seven years later, the thought of willingly being in Times Square for a period longer than a subway transfer makes me break out into a shingles rash. But, as a 21-year old with all my belongings in a U-Haul and a spotty resume that included “Proficient using a t-shirt gun,” all I knew was:

1. This is always the spot they show on TV and in movies to let the audience know “we’re in New York!”
2. Broadway is here
3. Every subway stops here
4. There’s at least 2 “Tasti De-lites” in 6 blocks, and fro-yo is the bomb.

The point is, you’re tricked into thinking Times Square is awesome and teeming with high-profile people rushing to get to their super-cool jobs, not a bunch of tourists trying to push their way into the Disney Store or American Eagle to stock up on cheap American skinny jeans.  So, as a public service, I have compiled a list of NYC myths that you should all be aware of before you try and look for Carrie Bradshaw’s West Village apartment. Why? BECAUSE IT’S ACTUALLY ON THE – MUCH LESS HIP – UPPER EAST SIDE. Okay here we go:

1. Most of Everything You’ve Seen on Gossip Girl

Thank GOD Gossip Girl came out after I already moved here, because that one would have done a real number on me. First of all, it makes the Upper East Side look so fucking posh, you can’t walk outside, let alone attend your exclusive private school, without a full couture getup. In reality, the UES fashion is really more yoga pants, less off-the-runway.

Second, yes, this neighborhood has a lot of designer stores, they are outnumbered by frozen yogurt places (which I am now over. Look, I’m a real New Yorker, complaining about stuff!). It’s also been under construction for years because they’re putting in a new subway line, so the ground shakes a few times a day, there’s dust everywhere, and lots of rodents have been displaced and are currently looking for a residence in apartment buildings.

Finally, the Upper East Side is actually covered in kids under the age of 15 and fro-yo joints. And I know this because I live above two fro-yo joints (yes there are 2 fro-yo places separated by 2 other businesses– both sushi restaurants, which by the way, outnumber Starbucks 6-to-1 up there), and every Friday and Saturday night, the sidewalk is standing room only, and it sounds like it’s a Sorority Rush party from 6-10:30pm. Thank God these kids still have decent curfews. (Also a lie Gossip Girl told me! Not everyone gets to spend a week sleeping over at Chuck Bass’ Empire Hotel suite having sex and making business deals. Can we also talk about how he owned a hotel at 16? I don’t even know how to digest that story line. I can believe Blair dated a French Prince, but owning real estate before 45 in NYC? No. I didn’t get my own cell phone until I was 19.)

2. Serendipity III Is Lame

The restaurant made famous because apparently celebrities like it, and because of the eponymous movie starring Kate Beckinsale and John Cusack. I get it, the “Frrrozen Hot Chocolate” the size of a Jacuzzi is fun. But it’s really like going to “Bubba Gump Shrimp” because there’s one in just about every major city, so it’s really not even that “New York.” (It’s true, Google it!) Plus the wait is absurd. Do you really need to wait two-and-a-half hours to sit next to a preteen couple on their third date, while you eat 5 spoonfuls of said Frrrozen Hot Chocolate just to end up feeling like you need to barf? Just get a slice of pizza and an Orange Crush. It’s really more authentic and probably healthier.

Oh, and remember in 2007 when it shut down for months because it failed a health code inspection after they found rats up in there? Is that really a place you want to buy that $1,000 sundae that’s “The Most Expensive Dessert In The World?” I’ll just grab a pint of Ben & Jerry’s “Chunky Monkey” and call it a day.

3. “Tiffany’s” Is Just Another Jewelry Store You Can’t Afford

Audrey Hepburn made millions of girls and women everywhere think that standing outside Tiffany’s holding a croissant and paper cup of coffee was just about the most romantic thing one could do in the city. Lemme tell you something. She only stood there long enough to house that croissant because it’s really not terribly exciting. This is one of those times you take a picture outside imitating Audrey, then you walk in, are super impressed, then spend 2 minutes realizing you could never afford anything in there. Then you go to the GAP as if they have different clothes than your local GAP in Waukesha.

4. Food Carts / Street Food: Eat At Your Own Risk

The new Food Truck fad was really good for NYC eating on the go. And a lot of them are amazing. Go to those ones. Do not go to the traditional hot dog / pretzel / ice cream guy. They are on every corner and look super authentic, but did you ever think about how long those hot dogs have been marinating in that water? Kids, we call them “dirty water dogs” and they taste just about as good as they sound. Don’t even get tempted to nosh on a soft pretzel. They have also been sitting out on that cart for probably days, based on how stale they are. Here’s a fun story: apparently feeling famished during a walk, my dog once jumped up and stole one of those pretzels. She spit it out. If my dog – who has picked up and actually chewed gum she found on the street – won’t even force one of those down, please don’t even think about giving it to your children. You know what’s even worse? The Hot Nuts lady. They smell amazing, and you should absolutely get an Instagram pic of you in front of the “Hot Nuts” sign, but again, don’t eat.

5. Pedicabs Are A Terrifying Rip-Off

These bicycle-cabs look like a fun way to get from Times Square to Macy’s. But think of how terrifying a cab ride can be with a cabbie who has zero regard for traffic laws or other vehicles. Now think about how scary it would be to weave in and out of traffic on a bike – i.e. with no walls to protect you – while cars honk at you and generally regard you as an annoyance on the road.) Now put those two together, and you’re in a pedicab. I rode in on once and I’ll never do it again. It was like being a passenger in that game “Crazy Taxi,” where you get more points for running into people and cars, except you’re not an avatar, you’re a real person hoping to make it to point B alive and in one piece.

Problem 2: they are expensive as shit! They charge you $5 per person just to get in, then it’s like $2 per block ($4 for a “long block”). PER BLOCK. So that’s at least $20 for 2 people to go 10 blocks. You can take a real cab from SOHO to 86th Street for $20. Listen, you might be contributing to global warming, but at least you won’t be late for your Body Pump class.

The one fun thing about pedicabs though, is watching these little European guys try and bike uphill with two overweight people in tow. Talk about a leg workout. Now that man may deserve the $4 a block.

6. Winter Is Too Cold To Be Scenic

Guys, it’s cold as balls in the winter, and this is coming from someone who spent 20 winters in Wisconsin. Don’t even think of seeing the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, either. It’s like Ellis Island in 1932, only people are even ruder and you’ll probably get elbowed in the boob trying to shove your way into a good photo-op spot. Watch it on TV, it’s a better seat and your boobs will remain unscathed. And don’t even think about ice skating. Trust me on this, I taught ice skating in Central Park for 5 winters. After 15 minutes you feel like you’re on one of those “Climbing Everest” documentaries, wondering if your fingers and toes have turned black from frost bite yet. An adorable romp in the park is not worth possibly losing appendages!

Now, unlike Wisconsin, the city does not have sidewalk plows, so after a good snowfall, you need a dogsled to get to the bodega or subway. The last thing you want to do is stroll through the city in your Uggs (which….aren’t snow boots, guys. They’re not even waterproof. Let’s use our noggins), while you climb up the snowbanks that form at the pedestrian crosswalks.

And you know how snow gets really dirty and isn’t pretty anymore after a few days? In NYC, it takes about 45 minutes before that picturesque snowfall becomes black snow so gross you don’t even want your dogs to pee in it. Speaking of pee….

7. Summer in the City Is Fun, But It Also Smells Like Hot Piss

While things like the Central Park Zoo, Coney Island, Governor’s Island (lots of islands) are fun, it’s also hot as balls in the summer. And in a city where you don’t get to run from your Central Air-Conditioned house (unless you have millions, you will not be living in an apartment with central air. Get used to huddling around your window-unit), into your air-conditioned car. We walk a lot here. So you’re looking at a summer of sweating until you get to the subway, then waiting on a subway platform that’s about 20 degrees hotter and exponentially stuffier than above ground. I imagine this is what a summer in Guantanamo Bay is like, but at least they have snacks in prison. By the time I make it to work, I need another shower. (The most horrifying feeling? Waiting for the train, then feeling that bead of sweat fall from the base of your next and drip all the way down into your butt crack. Welcome to NYC!).

Also, because of the large homeless population, the subway stations and streets reek of pee so badly it almost burns your throat. I’m just saying. I’d aim to visit Spring and Fall. Skip the other seasons altogether.

I’m pretty sure this post will be used by the New York City Board of Tourism, with all the lovely imagery I’ve created. But I’m just trying to keep it 100 and manage your excitement levels. It’s not all “Devil Wears Prada” and “Manhattan.” It’s more “Midnight Cowboy” and “Kids.” I’m really just trying to keep you from spending 2 months in Times Square and gaining 10 lbs of fro-yo weight. Happy travels!

Hey Readers! If you’ve learned something you’ve always heard about New York is a bold-faced lie, I’d love to hear it! Comment below 🙂