While I have many pet peeves (loud eating, messy people, aggressive typing, incorrect stapling, etc), one of the things I get annoyed with constantly is the missed social cues in a public restroom. In my opinion, going to the bathroom is an individual sport and users should act accordingly. Somewhere in the history of restrooms women decided it was a group activity and one cannot urinate without the moral support of her gal pals. All of a sudden it’s a pants down social event. But for a multitude of reasons, I think this goes against all logic. I have compiled a list of social rules I believe you should abide by when using a public restroom.

1. Don’t Answer Your Phone

Listen, we all play with our phones while in the bathroom stall. In fact, that’s where I’ve written my best tweets. And probably where I’ve “liked” all of your Instagram photos. But answering your phone is a no-no. I’m all about eavesdropping on other people’s conversations, so if you’re talking about something saucy, I will get emotionally invested…. Okay so now that I’m thinking about this, maybe I actually love this. However, the connotation when talking in the bathroom is that your phone is now very unsanitary. And you probably DON’T want everyone in the restroom to hear that your man might have gotten some other bitch pregnant.

That being said, if you’re the only one in there, go for it! Just put them on “mute” when you’re peeing or flushing so they can’t tell you’re in a restroom, because it’s uncomfortable to think you’re someone’s bathroom soundtrack. Unless it’s your sister, in which case #nofilter.

2. Don’t Talk to Anyone

Especially while in adjacent stalls. Unless you need TP. I really hate when people try to start conversations with me while washing hands. I understand you’re probably just trying to be nice and friendly when you ask where I got my Birkenstocks, but now we’re trapped by the hand dryers, in a conversation about the comfort of sandals outweighing being fashion forward. Who the fuck cares, I’m just trying not catch herpes up in here.

This situation is even worse in the dreaded “work restroom.” In a public restroom, you don’t know anyone in there, so if you accidentally fart, you’re never going to see these people again, so no harm, no foul. But you know everyone at work, so that person who just heard you fart? They’re sitting next to you in that pitch meeting 5 minutes later, and how can you possibly make eye contact??!!! I try to avoid eye contact or greetings and pretend I don’t know anyone. I think it’s better for everyone involved.

3. Don’t Use It As a Conference Room

This is mostly in reference to a work restroom. People always seem to remember they have to ask you that important thing as you’re making your way to the handicap stall (because we all love the leg room!). This makes me supremely uncomfortable. Just make a mental note and hit me up at my cubicle later.

I also hate when people do the old “water cooler” conversation in there. It’s called “water cooler” for a reason. DO IT AT THE FUCKING WATER COOLER.  I have a shy bladder, and trying to coax it out while people talk about the epic “potato cooking fight” on “True Tori” gives me PTSD.

4. It’s Not the Olympics of Hand-washing, People

Have you ever noticed that when two people are washing their hands at the same time, it becomes a contest to see who can lather up the most suds and disinfect the most thoroughly? I understand the Ebola scare is real, but you’re not performing major surgery later. Just wash them normally. There is no need to scrub up to your elbows and under your fingernails. It just makes you look like you dropped something in the bowl and had to go elbow deep to retrieve it if that’s how you have to clean yourself.

5. Don’t Act Like a Human Sprinkler

Don’t worry this isn’t a “if you sprinkle” announcement (I hate those stupid rhyme signs. Only okay if you are in a preschool). This is referring to the post-hand washing routine. Don’t be a dick and shake your wet hands out over the counter. It gets all wet, then when I lean against it to squeeze my pores my crotch gets all wet, then I have to walk out of the bathroom looking like I didn’t get there in time.
I’m sure you didn’t realize there were so many rules for using the bathroom, so I won’t hold it against you. This was not part of the potty-training process. But I think we need to kick it old school and have some decorum in public. Or at the very least, if you see me in an airport bathroom, just avoid eye contact and by no means draw attention to the fact that I commented on your Instagram photo 20 seconds ago.