how-to

How To Behave in a Public Restroom: A Friendly PSA

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While I have many pet peeves (loud eating, messy people, aggressive typing, incorrect stapling, etc), one of the things I get annoyed with constantly is the missed social cues in a public restroom. In my opinion, going to the bathroom is an individual sport and users should act accordingly. Somewhere in the history of restrooms women decided it was a group activity and one cannot urinate without the moral support of her gal pals. All of a sudden it’s a pants down social event. But for a multitude of reasons, I think this goes against all logic. I have compiled a list of social rules I believe you should abide by when using a public restroom.

1. Don’t Answer Your Phone

Listen, we all play with our phones while in the bathroom stall. In fact, that’s where I’ve written my best tweets. And probably where I’ve “liked” all of your Instagram photos. But answering your phone is a no-no. I’m all about eavesdropping on other people’s conversations, so if you’re talking about something saucy, I will get emotionally invested…. Okay so now that I’m thinking about this, maybe I actually love this. However, the connotation when talking in the bathroom is that your phone is now very unsanitary. And you probably DON’T want everyone in the restroom to hear that your man might have gotten some other bitch pregnant.

That being said, if you’re the only one in there, go for it! Just put them on “mute” when you’re peeing or flushing so they can’t tell you’re in a restroom, because it’s uncomfortable to think you’re someone’s bathroom soundtrack. Unless it’s your sister, in which case #nofilter.

2. Don’t Talk to Anyone

Especially while in adjacent stalls. Unless you need TP. I really hate when people try to start conversations with me while washing hands. I understand you’re probably just trying to be nice and friendly when you ask where I got my Birkenstocks, but now we’re trapped by the hand dryers, in a conversation about the comfort of sandals outweighing being fashion forward. Who the fuck cares, I’m just trying not catch herpes up in here.

This situation is even worse in the dreaded “work restroom.” In a public restroom, you don’t know anyone in there, so if you accidentally fart, you’re never going to see these people again, so no harm, no foul. But you know everyone at work, so that person who just heard you fart? They’re sitting next to you in that pitch meeting 5 minutes later, and how can you possibly make eye contact??!!! I try to avoid eye contact or greetings and pretend I don’t know anyone. I think it’s better for everyone involved.

3. Don’t Use It As a Conference Room

This is mostly in reference to a work restroom. People always seem to remember they have to ask you that important thing as you’re making your way to the handicap stall (because we all love the leg room!). This makes me supremely uncomfortable. Just make a mental note and hit me up at my cubicle later.

I also hate when people do the old “water cooler” conversation in there. It’s called “water cooler” for a reason. DO IT AT THE FUCKING WATER COOLER.  I have a shy bladder, and trying to coax it out while people talk about the epic “potato cooking fight” on “True Tori” gives me PTSD.

4. It’s Not the Olympics of Hand-washing, People

Have you ever noticed that when two people are washing their hands at the same time, it becomes a contest to see who can lather up the most suds and disinfect the most thoroughly? I understand the Ebola scare is real, but you’re not performing major surgery later. Just wash them normally. There is no need to scrub up to your elbows and under your fingernails. It just makes you look like you dropped something in the bowl and had to go elbow deep to retrieve it if that’s how you have to clean yourself.

5. Don’t Act Like a Human Sprinkler

Don’t worry this isn’t a “if you sprinkle” announcement (I hate those stupid rhyme signs. Only okay if you are in a preschool). This is referring to the post-hand washing routine. Don’t be a dick and shake your wet hands out over the counter. It gets all wet, then when I lean against it to squeeze my pores my crotch gets all wet, then I have to walk out of the bathroom looking like I didn’t get there in time.
I’m sure you didn’t realize there were so many rules for using the bathroom, so I won’t hold it against you. This was not part of the potty-training process. But I think we need to kick it old school and have some decorum in public. Or at the very least, if you see me in an airport bathroom, just avoid eye contact and by no means draw attention to the fact that I commented on your Instagram photo 20 seconds ago.

How To Survive Halloween as a Childless Semi-Adult

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I fucking loved Halloween as a kid. When I was four I wore the dog costume my mom sewed me for the whole year (and was thoroughly taken aback when people had the audacity to stare at me while I walked around the Pick N’ Save). When I was 10 I couldn’t decide if I wanted to be a bunny or a princess, so I went as a Bunny Princess. It always seemed to happen that our suburb’s designated Trick or Treating afternoon fell on Daylight savings and I thought it was a great injustice that it meant I had to wait a whole additional HOUR until I could run out with my pumpkin pail.

And then you turn 16 and it’s not socially acceptable to go Trick or Treating. And then you turn 21 and everyone gets dressed up specifically to go out and get shitfaced, but as a slutty “Game of Thrones” character. This I do not care for. Is barfing while dressed as a slutty Dinosaur more fun than barfing as your slutty self? Even if you choose to not be a slutty version of something, it’s just too much pressure to come up with a good costume. The thrifty midwesterner in me also doesn’t think it’s smart to spend money on something you‘re just going to wear once.

Plus, years ago someone told me that in NYC, Halloween is when gangs have initiation nights. According to this rumor, prospective members have to slash innocent bystanders to prove their worth. I’d prefer not to get stabbed just to go out to a sweaty bar so someone dressed as Count Chocula can try and feed me roofied Mallomars. Perhaps more importantly, I find masks terrifying, so Halloween is just a landmine for possible panic attacks.

But then staying in can be just as awful. As you may have deduced, I am a wuss and don’t like scary movies. I watched “The Ring” 10 years ago, and sometimes when I close my eyes I still that bitch’s face. Last year I realized I could be the one passing out candy, so I went out and bought all the best candy so I’d have the reputation as being the good house to stop out. The only huge, glaring problem with my plan is that I live in an apartment building, and no one trick or treats there. I think I got a grand total of 5 kids stop by and I ate the huge bowl of candy myself over the course of the week (which could have still lead to barfing. Dammit!). Plus I’m already treating my fiance like a domineering ballet instructor in an attempt to get us both into scary-skinny shape for our wedding – candy is definitely on the “eat and you will never be a Prima Ballerina/acceptable groom” list.

This year, I was determined to have a good, safe, semi-grown up Halloween. Here are my tips for how you can enjoy a healthy, not-scary, almost-an-adult Halloween at home:

1. Carve a pumpkin!

Remember how fun that was! Unfortunately, now that you’re a grown up, your dad won’t carve the guts out for you. But now that your motor skills are fully developed, you can go for something beyond the classic smiley face, like a howling wolf or a portrait of Lindsay Lohan when she was going off the deep end.

2. Save the seeds and bake ‘em

Okay this is a lot of work, but since you’re staying at home all night, let’s be real, you have the time. Just separate from the guts, and rinse in a colander. Boil in salt water for 10 minutes, then drain and pat dry. Toss them with 1 tablespoon of Vegetable oil and ½ tsp sea salt, then roast for 20-25 min at 400. SO easy, you can do it totally buzzed!

3. Wait for the 5 trick or Treaters to Come

You know passing out candy is fun and you really don’t want to start your adult life as the mean old lady who never passes out candy, or worse, still answers the door for Trick or Treaters, then rifles around the house for a rotten banana to give (this actually happened to me), or even worse, passes out those gross peanut butter taffies wrapped in orange and black wax paper. Just buy a small bag of fun sized candies so you aren’t left to eat the 12-lbs bag of Almond Joys by yourself while you look at the Instagram photos your friends are posting at their “awesome” Halloween party.

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(IF YOU PASS THIS OUT, NO KIDS LIKE YOU AND YOU JUST SINGLE0HANDEDLY RUINED HALLOWEEN.)

4. Pop in a Safe Movie

Thank God ABC Family airs “Hocus Pocus” on a constant loop for the month of October. I usually DVR all the good Halloween movies they air all month, then watch a couple on Halloween night. It’s festive, but Kathy Najimy and Bette Midler probably won’t haunt your dreams. But I do recall that cute boy who saved Halloween or whatever totally haunted my dreams as a kid. But in an age-appropriate sexy, “I’ll hold you hand” kind of way.

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(SWOON)

5. Get drunk at home

Because you’re an adult and you’re mom’s not there. You can do whatever you want. I plan on making my fiance mix me an uber-festive Whiskey cocktail with grenadine blood and gummy worms hanging out. Like I said, you’re a fucking adult, and this is how grown-ups deal with emotions. Get on board.

However, if you have a friend that will lend you their child for the night and you can take them trick or treating, just do that. Seeing a kid so pumped to say “trick or treat” 100 times to get some stale candy corn is really what this Pagan holiday is all about.