What do Beverly Hills 90210, Friends, Melrose Place and Dawson’s Creek have in common? They all coaxed major hormone levels out of junior high girls and taught us the hottest 90s fashions (remember carpenter jeans?!). Also, I wasn’t allowed to watch them.

I wouldn’t say I was sheltered, but they definitely made sure I didn’t get any ideas about the glamours of teen pregnancy, drinking, or staying out past 10pm. Instead, we stayed home as a family and caught “Nick at Nite” reruns of I Love Lucy, Happy Days, and The Munsters. Listen, I had a nice childhood, but the fact that I couldn’t watch any “cool” shows or wear strappy tank tops like everyone else did was a real struggle no guidance counselor prepares you for. I can deal with my impending menses, but not being able to describe why James Van Der Beek would be the ideal husband? I might as well have joined Theater Tech.

Showing up to 8th grade and not having any fucking clue who this problematic “Jen” was that everyone was talking about was my Vietnam. Did no one catch that hilarious debacle Richie Cunningham got into last night? Good luck that the Fonz was there, am I right? No one? This damn crick (was it an actual creek? A metaphor? Does anyone even know???) was all everyone talked about – for like four years! My locker didn’t have pictures of Joshua Jackson or James Van Der Beek plastered all over my locker. I had a poster of Karl Malone and Kermit the Frog’s “Got Milk” ad.

I did what any other no-boobs, trumpet playing 8th grader would. I just acted like I watched it, too. It’s shocking how far generic statements like “yeah, I was surprised,  “OMG, right?” or “that would be so romantic to lose my virginity in an empty cabin on a school trip” will get you. I was pulling the wool over my junior high contemporaries’ eyes until I was asked the question of all questions: Pacy or Dawson?

I don’t fucking know! Yet feeling cocky with my ability to skate by with a smile and a nod, I threw them a curve ball and said “neither. I like Joey.” So while everyone thought I just accidentally outed myself during third period band, I quickly backtracked and said I was joking. I’m just saying that if you don’t want to be convincing people all through high school that you are NOT a lesbian, keep your mouth shut about must-see-TV programming you don’t know about.

When I became an adult and realized I could do whatever the fuck I wanted, I watched 5 seasons of Dawson’s Creek (after they all went to college and Joey slept with her professor, (played by Ken Marino?!!?) I was over it. But, I get it. I guess). I bought the entire “Friends” series on DVD and watched it during an extended unemployment stint. So THIS is what everyone was talking about! Rachel was so pretty and had the best clothes! Chandler was classic comedy! Monica is like that crazy person we all have inside of us that we try to hide until we get married and it’s too late to get dumped! It was glorious. Plus, there was another Joey, but this one was a guy (twist!). Never mind that I was walking around 8 years later, saying shit like “we were on a break!” and singing “Smelly Cat.”

So you can imagine my delight when Melrose and 90210 were getting a reboot. I could be one of the cool kids now and actually watch (and it would save me weeks of binge watching the originals). Unfortunately, everyone else was already over those ‘90s shows and no one else watched them. Now I was the loser who actually watched 90210?

The moral of the story is that I should have just stuck to being my own rainbow and watching The Brady Bunch. Because you all might pick up on way more cultural references than I do, but the memory of sitting with my parents and watching Marcia Brady get rocked by that football before her date with Doug Simpson is priceless. Okay yeah, I don’t believe that either. I’m totally watching all of Twin Peaks  before the new one comes out.